I just wrote this as a whit. I am new here so I would really like to get some feed back. XD

‘Lo! The stars! How they shine in the night.
Their hope in the dark
Makes for a splendid sight!
‘Lo! The ringing bells toll to the sky
With its sun-washed blue
Bringing light to the lies
Oh! How I wish it were so!
How I wonder bemused
As the sun lines the crow.
Oh! How it pains me to see
My last sunset float by
Shunned by the crow on the tree.
Yet! As the last light floats away
The crow of my Hades
Took stark flight, destined to stay.
So it was to see my last sun
But never again
Shall I be undone.

--
you can't remember what you don't forget.

Critique for Kuatsimoto's My Last Sun.

I enjoy the experimenting with traditional form. Beginning sentences with 'Lo and 'Oh offers a familiar beginning for the tercets. Language like 'bemused,' 'shunned' and 'destined' add to this archaic feel.

A few points to make:
The flow of the piece comes off a little clunky. It may help to space the tercets, so the reader make take another 'breath' before each stanza.

Some of the metaphors were confusing. What is meant by 'ringing bells in the sky'? Are these the stars? If so, stars don't ring. They shine, they blink, they fade, they glow i.e.
What is 'sun washed blue'? Such an innovation requires a simile or expository sentence in apposition to it.
How can a crow take 'stark flight' and at the same time be 'destined to stay?'

I last question the change in character from the narrator with the rising/setting of the sun. Does the character change or not? Why or why not?

Ultimately the reader should not be asking questions.

Take a look at some traditional writers like Wordsworth, Thoreau, and Emerson (transendentalist movement). They write of nature and what it does to the individual.

Good luck in your revisions.

--
"But true expression, like th' unchanging sun,
clears and improves whate'er it shines upon,
it gilds all objects, but it alters none."
~Pope

I like the whole poem.

I can almost hear the church bells echoing as the sun is is going down & being swept away by the night ("sun-washed blue") The imagery is well done but it feels more like an audio poem to me. It is all noises, breezes, hash caws of a crow & bells.

well done!

--
"...don't leave him in darkness. It's not fair to show someone the sun & then to banish him from it. Even the devil may cry when he looks around hell & realizes he's there alone" -Acheron in Devil May Cry by Sherrilyn Kenyon Fantabulous quote/book

Thank You!

--
you can't remember what you don't forget.

yw

--
"...don't leave him in darkness. It's not fair to show someone the sun & then to banish him from it. Even the devil may cry when he looks around hell & realizes he's there alone" -Acheron in Devil May Cry by Sherrilyn Kenyon Fantabulous quote/book